Would You Listen to What I'm Thinking, Not What I Said

"If you want to be a resource to help your teenager, you must first be a refuge." Jay Younts.

I believe this is true of anyone in need of help, guidance or correction. No one will hear or respond to you until they know they are loved and safe with you. I don’t need a dvd of my life with my children as they grew up to know how many times I fell short of this.

I was zipping my daughter into her wedding dress on what should have been one of the happiest days of her life. I made it less than that by one remark. As I pulled the bodice together to zip it up I said, “you’ve gained weight”. That was a bad enough thing to say but what she heard was worse. What she heard was “you’re fat, you’re ugly and you’ll never be good enough to gain my approval”.

We were in the same room but as is always the case we weren’t hearing each other’s thoughts because what I was thinking is, “I hope I can get this up without messing up the zipper because I don’t want to ruin my beautiful daughter’s wedding. “ I have let her down before, please don’t let me do it today”. Unfortunately my thoughts weren’t what she was hearing.

Words, stupid little things that didn’t come out at all the way we meant them can have such power but every once in a while what I am thinking comes out exactly the way I meant it and a blinding smile is my reward. It’s too hit or miss to satisfy me.

Speaking encouragement does not come naturally to me. In my family the only time a comment was directed totally in my direction it was to point out a shortcoming, a disappointment, something I could have done better. If I heard nothing then it must have gone all right. My mom was despite this able to impart the feeling that we were loved (despite our shortcomings) and has been my refuge and sanctuary all my life. I vowed to make sure my children knew every moment of every day that they were loved, valued and all together someone I was proud of. I’m still working on that and my daughter is in her thirties. You’re thinking, I hope I’m not that slow a learner and to be honest I hope you aren’t either.

By speaking encouragement, by speaking kindness and most importantly by not speaking things that are neither of the above you will create a refuge, you will become a sanctuary. From that place you will be in a position to guide and correct with love and not as an adversary. Your words will either make you the person someone hurting will run to or the person they run away from. No matter where you come from this is your choice.

Like me, you may need to learn that saying nothing is often better than letting whatever is in your head fall out of your mouth. Give God a moment to help you zip your lip or arrange your words so that they say exactly what He would have you say. He has the advantage of knowing not only your thoughts but exactly what is in the head of the one you’re speaking to.

Philemon 1:7  Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, the hearts because you, brother, have refreshed of the Lord’s people.

How many encouraging words can you give today, not insincere, but real honest uplifting words?

How many times today will you be “slow to speak” letting God influence your words?

Will you let yourself become a blessing to others, a refuge, and a sanctuary, someone who refreshes and gives joy?

Exasperate Who?!

^{Ephesians 6:4}  

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

I guess by the time I read this it was already too late. My grandson is a professional procrastinator. Me, I want things that need to be done, done and out of the way.

I got up knowing he had a school project due Monday that he’d been putting off for weeks. He and his mom picked up what he needed to do the project last night. When I went into his room he was (as he usually is) playing a video game. I told him with absolutely no patience to get off the game, eat his breakfast and get to work on his project.

This was an approach guaranteed to get the opposite of the result I was looking for. He does not like me “nagging”, or butting in to his business. To be totally honest he’d rather I was still in Florida with as many states as possible between us. My presence is a constant irritant to his 12 year old self. So needless to say after breakfast he went right back to playing his game. 

At this point I called in the reserves emailing his mom at work. She called and spoke to him, giving him a specific time to end the game and start the project. I could have done that but just as he knows how to punch my buttons I went out of my way to punch his.

The verse is not just for fathers but everyone who deals with children. If we are going out of our way to exasperate the children in our lives they are not going to be open to the training we want them to hear. He tries my patience simply because he is not like me so instead of taking that into consideration I decide I am the adult, I am the boss, I am the awesome and mighty….well you get the idea.   

He should be more like me but he isn’t and no amount of nagging is going to change that. I know he thinks I should be more like him and no amount of hissy fits on his part is going to make that happen.

We are going to have to learn how to work with each other, different as we are. Sometimes it goes fairly smoothly, sometimes, not so much.