Flying

I really used to enjoy flying and booking tickets was the start of the happy anticipation. Not so much anymore. I'm trying to find a flight I can afford so my grandson can come to visit over his Thanksgiving break. He is 13 so most flights cannot be booked on the internet. Not wanting him to have to have assistance to change planes I found a direct flight into Salt Lake City, a six hour drive from here. His mom can put him on the plane and I will get him off. Sounded like a plan until I found out that in addition to spending more on this direct flight and driving the six hours each way to Salt Lake City the airline will also charge me 100 dollars each way because he is unaccompanied. OK, if this was not a direct flight I would expect to pay for an airline employee to walk him to his connecting flight but that is not the case. Even at that 100 dollars seems like a pretty steep charge. I am paying 100 dollars so that (if they remember) I'll be asked who I am when I meet him at the plane as will his mother at the other end. We did this last year and to be honest I don't remember anyone asking me anything when I picked him up at the airport. There's going to be one very disappointed young man when I am unable to find a flight (with the extra charge) that I can afford and that's what it's looking like right now. Maybe I'm more angry at myself for not having the money to do what I want to do but either way it sucks for him.

Do Not Be Terrified

Joshua 1:9

Have I not commanded you. Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified.  Do not be discouraged.  For the Lord Your God will be with you wherever you go.

God gave me my grandson Julian to remind me of all the lessons I have forgotten. When he was four while I was driving home from vacation bible school his little voice came from the back seat “I don’t have to be afraid of anything”. I asked, “why not”. He said “Because I have Jesus in my heart”. How very simple his faith. When did my faith get all complicated and blurry? I am not strong and courageous but even when I said “this is too hard, I don’t want to be here anymore” God was with me. When I wanted nothing more than for this life to go on without me, even then, when I had given up God did not.  He reminded me that even when I want to quit  I can’t just leave my daughter, my two grandsons, my mom or any of the friends He has put in my path. Julian has shared his bible school lessons and Sunday school lessons with me for several years. It’s all somehow new hearing it in his voice and seeing it through his eyes. I look at the little scrap of paper fastened to my refrigerator door with a  magnet and see the little head bowed over it at my dining room table, writing so carefully with his pencil, “For the Lord Your God will be with you wherever you go.” And I pray someday I will read it and believe it as completely and without question as the boy who wrote it does.

Wear it Around Your Neck

Proverbs 3:3 "Never let loyalty and kindness leave you! Tie them around your neck as a reminder. Write them deep within your heart."

I think we like to believe that we “are” this scripture.  I do aspire to this but you know where I really mess it up? I totally miss the boat when it comes to the people closest to me. I say things to them in anger or frustration that I would never say to someone I work with or a stranger on the street. After the 5^th time I tell Padyn to feed the dogs and he hasn’t done it, the kindness is no longer around my neck or in my heart, it’s out the door.  I say hurtful things to him that don’t make him an ounce more willing to do his chores and make him unsure of my loyalty or kindness.

It wouldn’t be quite so bad if my lapses were balanced out by positive remarks and actions but try as I do I am still not the warm grandma I wish I was. Heritage is a hard thing to overcome and I come from a family that didn’t hug, didn’t compliment and the only time you heard something aimed specifically in your direction was because you messed something up. Silence was our only positive reinforcement. Turns out they guys my dad worked with all knew how proud my father was of his children. We never did. I know my mom loves me, as she’s gotten older she has made a conscious effort to say so and to become a hugger. We are pretty funny to watch, like a couple of porcupines trying to figure out how to embrace without jabbing each other.  It reminds me of going to church the first time at a “huggin” Baptist church after years of attending a very stately and prim Presbyterian church. “Space people, personal space” obviously it was a foreign concept. You know what, as uncomfortable as it was at first those hugs got me through some pretty rough times.

God has seen me turn my back on him, insist on doing things my way and watched me fall in the ditch but instead of yelling "what did I tell you", in frustration at my stubbornness, He just holds out his hand and picks me back up.

“Write them deep within your heart”….or in my memory defective way, repeat it in your head constantly…”I have loyalty and kindness tied around my neck, I have loyalty and kindness tied around my neck”. I can’t find my car keys but “I have loyalty and kindness tied around my neck”.

Oregon Trail

I’m trying to find a direct flight from Orlando or Tampa to this area so my grandson from Florida can spend Thanksgiving with us.  The only ones so far come into Salt Lake City, which is about a six hour drive from Boise. Generally driving six hours is no big deal to me. I drove the same distance alone with my babies going from Gilbertsville, NY to Jamestown, NY to see my family but this is not the same. I have to remember to pack sleeping bags or blankets, snacks and water. Yes, I have a cell phone, and yes, if I broke down or went off the road someone would eventually come but not necessarily right away. To be honest going through the highest elevations between here and there scares me. Maybe I’m not as brave (or stupid) as I used to be. I don’t have a four wheel drive and my pickup isn’t great (more like worthless) in snow. Last year the trip to Salt Lake City was fine but coming back it started to snow and was getting dark by the time we hit the mountains. This part of the country is breathtaking any time of the year and I love shooting pictures but it does make me feel pretty small and not in control.  The interstate follows the path of the Oregon Trail and I can’t help but think of all those people from “settled areas” coming across the same vast landscapes with their wagons. It amazes me that any of them reached Oregon.  There are settlements in fertile areas along the trail where some of those headed for Oregon decided they had gone far enough. The Snake River Valley is one of those areas. Having seen the three islands crossing area of the Snake, if I had made it that far I think I’d have been one of those who said “far enough”. I can’t imagine taking a wagon across that river. Eventually one of those who decided “far enough” built a ferry at the crossing. I am in awe of those families who were desperate and brave enough to endure that horrendous trip just to give their children a better life.

What Breaks Your Heart

“If it pleases the king and if your servant has found favor in his sight, let him send me to the city in Judah where my ancestors are buried so that I can rebuild it.”

Here we see Nehemiah, a man who’d never been to Jerusalem but he had heard that the wall was in ruins and the people there preyed upon because they did not have the protection of walls and gates. His heart breaks for his people and the land where his ancestors are buried.
All of us have at least one thing that breaks our heart. I’ll tell you what breaks mine. A couple of weeks ago a car with four young people went off a rural mountain road. Two were killed, one seriously injured and one escaped with minor injuries and called 911. The one with minor injuries was the only one wearing a seat belt. My heart broke again, as it does every time this happens since a 3am knock at our door to inform us of the death of our son. He was ejected from his car because he wasn’t wearing a seat belt. I have sent condolences to people I’ve never met just as I received some from strangers. That is not enough. It’s too little too late. So this blog is my first step. I can’t build the wall all by myself but I can pick up the first rock and put it in place.
If you get into a car, front or back, put on your seat belt. No matter what anyone says, put it on. Make such a pain of yourself that everyone else in the car also put theirs on, every time. If you don’t care about yourself, care enough about those you love to do all that you can to make sure they will never get that knock on the door. If you have kids hammer it into them until they hear your voice even when you aren’t there.
What breaks your heart?
People who don’t have enough to eat?
The guy begging on the corner for enough money for another drink or another fix?
Children you see on their way to school without a warm jacket when it’s too cold to be out without one?
Only you know what God is speaking into your heart.
No, you can’t build the wall by yourself but you can pick up the first rock. Set aside a few cans every time you get groceries for a food bank, take a fast food meal to the guy on the corner with a card in it for a celebrate recovery program in your area, take an outgrown jacket or one you found on sale to your local school for whoever needs it. Whatever your first step is, keep it up, you’ll be surprised how fast the wall gets built.

What breaks your heart and what are you going to do about it?

Falling off the face of the earth

I know that's what you're thinking...either that or I did finally succeed in getting run over by a bus and now my ashes are free floating somewhere. Not true on either count, well maybe the falling off the face of the earth is true as I am living in Idaho. Some would say that qualifies. To be honest it's not bad. I'm not looking forward to the arrival of winter but that's still a little way off. People in the Boise area are fit (it's really pretty annoying). They ride bike, they run, they walk and for the most part they look like it. I got a little spoiled living in Florida where it didn't take a whole lot of effort to stay below the average weight or above the average fitness level. Here I actually have to work at it. Exercise and I are not best friends. I do it every day and I hate it every day. The bicycling not as much as walking or in rare moments jogging. Living with two people who have mandatory PT at their work place (Mountain Home AFB) I don't get much sympathy when I whine. I don't feel too bad since my grandson started cross country this year and he gets no sympathy either. Yesterday would have been my son Jordan's 33rd birthday. It's been 12 years since he died and his birthday isn't as hard as it was in earlier years. I do still miss him and I do still wonder what he'd be like now. My main regret is that he didn't get to see his son grow up. Julian is now a teenager and a great kid. Jordan was a mess but he loved his son more than anything else in the world. I think he'd be very proud of him. "don't waste your time on me, you're already a voice inside my head" Blink 182 I used to take care of Julian while his mom was at work and it seemed like his dad was forever looking over my shoulder, and a voice inside my head, especially if I did something that was maybe not quite as "safe" as it should be, like letting him ride on my lap on the lawn tractor while I mowed. I lived with the constant thought that if I anything happened to Julian I'd be letting Jordan down, and when he died all his dreams for his son became my responsibility. I miss seeing Julian every week like I used to. Now I see him once or twice a year. He and my grandson Padyn have switched places as far as my time allocation goes. It used to be Julian I got to spend time with and Padyn who I saw once or twice a year. I told Julian when I left that he had me for 12 years and now it's Padyn's turn. By the time his twelve years are up I'll have great grandchildren. Well that's just not where my mind wants to go today. Anyway, here's to all of us who have voices inside our heads.