PEACE OR ANXIETY

 

 

PEACE OR ANXIETY

 

 

I am where I want to be. Location wise, in a place I’ve loved from the first time I visited, living situation, with family, a great place to be. So where is my peace. Why am I not absolutely drowning in peace? Good question.

As I have admitted before (many times) I have had an issue with nail biting, cuticle demolishing, hang nail ripping since I was a kid. I’ve always chalked it up to a bad habit nothing more, nothing less. Now I find out it’s a symptom of anxiety. What in the world do I have to be anxious about? It’s not like I don’t know where my next meal is coming from or as if I wait trembling for the next bombs to fall. Here I sit in one of God’s most peaceful places and yet….where is my peace.

I have come to believe that peace, like love, is not a noun but a verb. It’s a decision. If I truly believe that God watches over me, that God will provide, that God does walk with me even through the valley of the shadow of death then I need to tell myself that. Maybe I need to tell myself that every moment since once a day seems inadequate.

Another possibility is that I am not at peace because I am not in the “do what I have asked” zone with God. Being outside the boundaries of His will is unsettling as I suppose it should be. I get so cluttered in my brain that often His voice does not make it through the racket.

So I will decide to have peace and I will do a spring cleaning of my cluttered, disorganized brain and see if there is some unfinished business for God that I have let roll under the bed or fall behind the couch. I’m sure if I ask He’ll show me where it is.

 

 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1:9

Love These Shoes?

 

 

First let me say, I love these shoes. They are dressier than sneakers or my dr. martens and they look great with my jeans that are just a shade long.

I have long legs and a long stride from lots of walking but I find I have to adapt my stride when I wear these shoes. Not only that but since healing from a broken ankle I find myself being very careful when I have them on. I don’t walk with confidence, or assurance. I don’t walk like I do with my sneakers, with certainty. Yet I keep the shoes, shoes that scare me just a little when I wear them.

I have to wonder how many other “things” or “behaviors” am I hanging onto. Things that force me to walk in uncertainty, without assurance. Why am I hanging onto behaviors that scare me a little or cause me to not be sure where I’m putting my feet.

I think it’s time to do a closet cleaning and get rid of things that I think look good but don’t allow me to live without thinking about every move I make. It’s not just about comfort, it’s about being who I am. It’s about striding through life confidently, without fear with certainty of who I am….not who I think I wish I was.



Invisible

I had lunch with someone I hadn’t seen since childhood today and she put into words something I’ve had a hard time getting from my head onto paper. She said being divorced with kids made her invisible when she went to church. Yes, I thought, that’s it exactly. After attending the same church for years I found myself separated from my husband and suddenly invisible.

Not all churches treat broken families as if they somehow were less than there but they may make invisible teenagers, people who don’t dress to their standards or those who like me are less than young.

There are invisible people all around us. Oh they’re there all right but if we pretend they aren’t then we don’t have to go out of our way to deal with them. You know, they might want something from us or perish the thought be in some kind of need and we really don’t want to deal with that.

We are the church, the bride of Christ and we have taken erasers out instead of magnifying glasses. As the Brand Heath song says:

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see,
Everything that I keep missing,
Give your love for humanity.
Give me your arms for the broken-hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten.
Give me Your eyes so I can see

God give us the will to not only look but to see with your eyes and with your arms reach out and make those whose lives are broken visible. Even the most broken of us are valuable in God’s eyes and deserve to be seen.

Who Told You That Your Were Naked

We find ourselves at a distance from God. We’ve been too busy to read His word, too busy to worship or we show up physically but not spiritually and without even realizing it a little sin slips in. Maybe we haven’t done anything awful but we find excuses not to do something we know we should or we get angry and the gatekeeper is off duty and all sorts of nastiness flies out our mouth. Been there? Sorry to say I have.

When I realize what I have done or not done Satan is right there telling me that I have once again made a mess of things I am once again a loser and God must find me to be a horrible disappointment. And when God does finally wade through the jungle I’m hiding in He isn’t angry, disappointed perhaps, not angry. He does want to know why, when I realize I’ve mucked things up, I didn’t go looking for Him, why am I hiding. Like Adam and Eve I have realized I am naked and His question is “who told you, that you were naked”.

“Who told you that you were a failure, unworthy of My love?”

When we hide from God we are not listening to God’s promises we are listening to the deceiver’s lies. The deceiver is telling you how unworthy, unlovable, and hopeless you are. The deceiver is telling you “you are naked”.

You have been clothed by the forgiveness of God because of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. He has paid for your robe with his life so that you never have to appear before God naked. Don’t let anyone ever come between you and God, especially yourself.

 

"And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself. And He said, Who told thee that thou wast naked?"

 

 

Pigs Would Fly

I spent the evening with a fabulous group of women but sometimes being with them makes  me feel like a failure. They are mostly married, some for not the first time but still they are married. I don’t think I’m to blame for my divorce, but part of the blame is mine. Although it’s been a long time and I am at peace with my situation there is still the taste of failure in my mouth. As a woman my family was my identity. I made mistakes and I did some things pretty ok but in the end I couldn’t save my son and I couldn’t save my marriage. Sometimes I have a hard time living with that.

I wish I could say I am a great example to all of these women who are younger than me but I’m more a cautionary tale. “Please, do not make the same mistakes I have made”, “be better, do better, than me”. I wish I had been a better wife, a better mother, a better everything. And if wishes were wings, pigs would fly.

Joy Misplaced

 

I have a lot of wonderful Christmas memories and a few not so wonderful. One of those not so wonderful ones was completely of my own making.

My father in law had delivered a nice round evergreen he had purchased from the Rotary Club he was a member of. He did this every year and never let me pay him for the tree. The kids wanted to put the tree up right away and their dad was still at the farm working. I got out the defective, legs always falling off tree stand and tried to set the tree up. It was too tall. Not a big deal. My dad didn’t raise no girly girl who didn’t know how to use a saw. With saw in hand and two helpers to hold the tree steady we cut the trunk off to better fit under the ceiling.

The cutting accomplished I put the trunk into the stand and tried to hold it while tightening the thumb screws that held the trunk in place. Every time I attempted to straighten the tree and tighten the screws I moved the tree just enough for one of the tree stand legs to fall off.  I went on like this for what seemed an eternity, tree sliding to one side, me straightening it up, a leg falling off, putting the leg back on straightening and another leg falling off.

In a fit of frustration I must have said something inappropriate (as I did when my temper got the best of me) or just my totally irritated, impatient demeanor got the best of my kids. Kris was maybe 4 or 5 and Jordan 3 or 4. One of them, I can’t recall which one it was came over as I knelt on the floor, got very close to my face and said quietly, “it’s OK mom, we don’t need to have a tree”.

I could have burst into tears. I was acting like such an ass that my poor children were willing to fore go a Christmas tree just to get me to act half way normal. I was petrified. Immediately calm I said “if you guys think you can hold the tree straight, I think I can get these tightened without the legs falling off. I don’t know how many more tries it took but we did it. One of my favorite pictures in the world is of the two kids in their pajamas in front of that very tree. We had put the lights on and they were just getting ready to start with the ornaments.

It gets hectic at Christmas time, we get tired, frustrated and yes, sometimes downright angry. Don’t let stupid things get in the way of your peace and enjoyment of this time of year. Don’t let anything steal your joy or the precious joy and wonder of those around you.

I’m sure if I asked Kris today she’d still remember the year we didn’t have to have a Christmas tree. That’s not the kind of memory you want your children to remember.

Punch Buggy

Who hasn’t caught a boney knuckled sock to the shoulder while riding in the car, accompanied by the yell PUNCH BUGGY?  First it was my kids, now it’s my grandkids and they always remember to yell “no punch backs” which leaves me with no retaliatory options. Well I could drive into the ditch and blame it on them for punching me but that would be a bit extreme. The thing is you don’t pay any attention to the make or model of the other vehicles on the road nor are you aware of how many there are unless you are looking, actively looking. You have to be seeking those funky little VW Beetles or you don’t even notice them.

So I’m wondering how often we do not notice God because we honestly aren’t even looking say anything about “seeking” Him with intent. Maybe once in a while in a crisis, or a trial we go looking for God the rest of the time He’s kind of like that shirt in the closet you only wear when it’s really cold. He’s there, you know He is but it’s not that cold so you really aren’t looking for Him, not wanting to put Him on and let anyone see you. After all you don’t want to look like a total geek, like no one else you know….

“Proverbs 8:17 I (God) love those who love me; and those who diligently seek me will find me”.

Diligence, what a nasty word, it implies work and not just half hearted work but put your heart soul and back into it. So where do I go to seek Him? How about everywhere, outside your door in creation, in others and most of all in His word and even in yourself if you’re magnifying what’s good. God wants us to seek Him, show Him to others and even allow punch backs because it never hurts to have Him pointed out to us by someone else.