I’ve started a bible study written by a friend. One of the
questions in day one is “what has God asked you to do that you’ve held back
on”? I’m afraid there might be more things, more times than I can remember to
list.
I was raised by a man who had worked hard to escape the shadow of his hard drinking sometimes unfaithful father. Because of a great deal of hard work my dad was very skilled at his job and with that came pride. Pride can be tool of motivation but can also be a very big stumbling block. Later in life the man who had worked so hard to not be his father became him. He was able to quit drinking after it almost killed him but his pride had not saved him from falling into alcohol’s grasp and it had kept him from accepting help from the people who loved him most.
I use this to explain the very large dose of pride I started out with. The attitude that I can handle anything and everything myself if I work at it hard enough. I was too proud to submit, too proud to bow down and too proud to admit that there was a need that I could not fill. I found the whole idea of obedience an affront. I did not promise to “obey” my husband in our wedding vows. It was after all the seventies and women did not pledge obedience to their husbands, the wording was changed politically to “honor”.
It would take a very long time for the concept of obedience and submission to become anything positive to me. I write that and it seems so very odd that someone who spent their whole life going out of their way to please, to be liked, to “not rock the boat” would not be willing to submit to God, to be obedient. Isn’t pride a wonderful thing?
I was raised by a man who had worked hard to escape the shadow of his hard drinking sometimes unfaithful father. Because of a great deal of hard work my dad was very skilled at his job and with that came pride. Pride can be tool of motivation but can also be a very big stumbling block. Later in life the man who had worked so hard to not be his father became him. He was able to quit drinking after it almost killed him but his pride had not saved him from falling into alcohol’s grasp and it had kept him from accepting help from the people who loved him most.
I use this to explain the very large dose of pride I started out with. The attitude that I can handle anything and everything myself if I work at it hard enough. I was too proud to submit, too proud to bow down and too proud to admit that there was a need that I could not fill. I found the whole idea of obedience an affront. I did not promise to “obey” my husband in our wedding vows. It was after all the seventies and women did not pledge obedience to their husbands, the wording was changed politically to “honor”.
It would take a very long time for the concept of obedience and submission to become anything positive to me. I write that and it seems so very odd that someone who spent their whole life going out of their way to please, to be liked, to “not rock the boat” would not be willing to submit to God, to be obedient. Isn’t pride a wonderful thing?
When I found myself on my own in my fifties I decided it
didn’t matter how much money I had or didn’t have I would start tithing. I can’t
say I didn’t steal from God a couple of times or borrow from Him a few more but
I made the serious attempt to give 10 percent.
Through those years there were times of part time work, well paid full
time work and unemployment. Whatever the ups and downs I gave 10 percent. And the strangest thing happened. I had
enough to eat, I had enough to pay my bills. Somehow there was always enough. I
wish I could say it was easy and that I never looked at the check and thought
of things I could do with that money.
I wish I could say Satan never whispered in my ear “they’re going to use this money for things you don’t even agree with….the pastor lives in a better house than you’ll ever have…how many people is the church paying more than you make”? When you start doing something right, prepare for the attack. If you aren’t being attacked then you aren’t moving in the direction God wants you to go. I would not have been able to take that giant step of obedience had I still been relying on only myself but I could no longer accept that as truth.
Because of several life events I realized that my life was not in my hands but in God’s. I guess when you’ve been stripped of the façade you’ve been hiding behind there’s not too much to be proud of. Humility can be a painful lesson but a very freeing one. Every day I have left is not something I earned but a gift from God and to Him I will submit.
I wish I could say Satan never whispered in my ear “they’re going to use this money for things you don’t even agree with….the pastor lives in a better house than you’ll ever have…how many people is the church paying more than you make”? When you start doing something right, prepare for the attack. If you aren’t being attacked then you aren’t moving in the direction God wants you to go. I would not have been able to take that giant step of obedience had I still been relying on only myself but I could no longer accept that as truth.
Because of several life events I realized that my life was not in my hands but in God’s. I guess when you’ve been stripped of the façade you’ve been hiding behind there’s not too much to be proud of. Humility can be a painful lesson but a very freeing one. Every day I have left is not something I earned but a gift from God and to Him I will submit.
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