Missing You

My daughter and younger grandson were here for a few days. This is the first time they've visited in a long time when I didn't have to be at work all day. We had a blast but it went by way to quickly. It's like losing a piece of my heart every time I watch them go back through the doors at the airport. So much of our lives go on apart a few days here and there really don't make up for it. The contrast between the life I have with the grandson that's here and the one that isn't only makes it harder. I can never recapture what has already passed and never make up for the time we won't have together. I will never stop trying and hope the attempt is enough to make certain a little part of his heart belongs only to me.

Manic Depressant

Today has been a roller coaster day. I had lunch with three ladies I used to work with and it was nice, really nice. The fact that they are all still very much employed and I am not doesn’t seem to make it at all weird, although it very well could. I talked with Kristin about what I should buy for groceries for her visit and what I planned to do while her and Padyn are here and I was positively dancing down the grocery aisles to the stupid canned music. It felt so good to be getting ready for their visit. I should have gone to bed on that high note, instead my mom was asking me about “final plans” hers and mine and at the time it didn’t bother me but after she went to bed my eyes wandered up to the picture of both of my kids hand prints Kristin was three and Jordan was two. There it is real as life and he’s gone and after ten years I am still not “over it”. I know I never will be but how can I in the space of a few hours go from the highest to the lowest when nothing has changed. Kristin and Padyn are still coming for a week and Jordan is still gone. It is what it is and has not in any way changed. My circumstances are forever the same and I am forever dealing with them from either one end of the spectrum or the other, never from the middle. I suppose it’s because I will always want to be two places at the same time, here with my daughter and two grandsons and in heaven with my son. There is no middle ground.