Punch Buggy

Who hasn’t caught a boney knuckled sock to the shoulder while riding in the car, accompanied by the yell PUNCH BUGGY?  First it was my kids, now it’s my grandkids and they always remember to yell “no punch backs” which leaves me with no retaliatory options. Well I could drive into the ditch and blame it on them for punching me but that would be a bit extreme. The thing is you don’t pay any attention to the make or model of the other vehicles on the road nor are you aware of how many there are unless you are looking, actively looking. You have to be seeking those funky little VW Beetles or you don’t even notice them.

So I’m wondering how often we do not notice God because we honestly aren’t even looking say anything about “seeking” Him with intent. Maybe once in a while in a crisis, or a trial we go looking for God the rest of the time He’s kind of like that shirt in the closet you only wear when it’s really cold. He’s there, you know He is but it’s not that cold so you really aren’t looking for Him, not wanting to put Him on and let anyone see you. After all you don’t want to look like a total geek, like no one else you know….

“Proverbs 8:17 I (God) love those who love me; and those who diligently seek me will find me”.

Diligence, what a nasty word, it implies work and not just half hearted work but put your heart soul and back into it. So where do I go to seek Him? How about everywhere, outside your door in creation, in others and most of all in His word and even in yourself if you’re magnifying what’s good. God wants us to seek Him, show Him to others and even allow punch backs because it never hurts to have Him pointed out to us by someone else.

Friends

I recently spent a week with my friend Deirdre in the San Francisco Bay area. Deirdre and I have been friends since college and have lost track of each other more than once. We stay in touch much better lately, maybe because of social media, maybe because of where we both are in our lives now.

After college we took very different paths in very different areas. She ended up in California and I in ustate New York and eventually Florida. I got married and had kids, Deirdre went on with her studies while she worked and earned several degrees. We were brought up in different environments financially, culturally and geographically. You’d think we wouldn’t have much common ground to work with. When my kids were little Dee was like a fun aunt. She’s good with kids and as a librarian gets to enjoy (or not) a lot of them. Now we are older and I am divorced neither of us is married or has “little ones”.

I don’t think it’s the similarity in our situations that has made us closer. I think it’s that we both enjoy having friends of all ages but spending time with someone of the same age is like wearing comfortable shoes instead of high heels, jeans and a t-shirt instead of a dress.

It was nice to tromp around San Francisco with someone who I don’t have to struggle to keep up with, someone who stops to use the rest room as much as I do instead of me always being the one holding up the march because I have to go, and someone who is ready to stop for a drink when I am. We have a common library of music. I like new stuff and stuff much older than I am but the music on the radio when I was in high school and college will always be special because it takes me right back to where I was the first time I heard it. “Sealed with a kiss” an end of the summer bonfire, cookout. My brother was going into his senior year of high school.  I can smell the smoke, taste the grilled sweet corn and feel the sadness that another summer was almost over.

I have friends from several states, several sources and of several ages and I cherish each and every one of them. They all bring something different to the table because of who they are, how we became friends and the times we have shared. But…I do have to admit, it is so much fun to have someone your own age to play with now and then.

Would You Listen to What I'm Thinking, Not What I Said

"If you want to be a resource to help your teenager, you must first be a refuge." Jay Younts.

I believe this is true of anyone in need of help, guidance or correction. No one will hear or respond to you until they know they are loved and safe with you. I don’t need a dvd of my life with my children as they grew up to know how many times I fell short of this.

I was zipping my daughter into her wedding dress on what should have been one of the happiest days of her life. I made it less than that by one remark. As I pulled the bodice together to zip it up I said, “you’ve gained weight”. That was a bad enough thing to say but what she heard was worse. What she heard was “you’re fat, you’re ugly and you’ll never be good enough to gain my approval”.

We were in the same room but as is always the case we weren’t hearing each other’s thoughts because what I was thinking is, “I hope I can get this up without messing up the zipper because I don’t want to ruin my beautiful daughter’s wedding. “ I have let her down before, please don’t let me do it today”. Unfortunately my thoughts weren’t what she was hearing.

Words, stupid little things that didn’t come out at all the way we meant them can have such power but every once in a while what I am thinking comes out exactly the way I meant it and a blinding smile is my reward. It’s too hit or miss to satisfy me.

Speaking encouragement does not come naturally to me. In my family the only time a comment was directed totally in my direction it was to point out a shortcoming, a disappointment, something I could have done better. If I heard nothing then it must have gone all right. My mom was despite this able to impart the feeling that we were loved (despite our shortcomings) and has been my refuge and sanctuary all my life. I vowed to make sure my children knew every moment of every day that they were loved, valued and all together someone I was proud of. I’m still working on that and my daughter is in her thirties. You’re thinking, I hope I’m not that slow a learner and to be honest I hope you aren’t either.

By speaking encouragement, by speaking kindness and most importantly by not speaking things that are neither of the above you will create a refuge, you will become a sanctuary. From that place you will be in a position to guide and correct with love and not as an adversary. Your words will either make you the person someone hurting will run to or the person they run away from. No matter where you come from this is your choice.

Like me, you may need to learn that saying nothing is often better than letting whatever is in your head fall out of your mouth. Give God a moment to help you zip your lip or arrange your words so that they say exactly what He would have you say. He has the advantage of knowing not only your thoughts but exactly what is in the head of the one you’re speaking to.

Philemon 1:7  Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, the hearts because you, brother, have refreshed of the Lord’s people.

How many encouraging words can you give today, not insincere, but real honest uplifting words?

How many times today will you be “slow to speak” letting God influence your words?

Will you let yourself become a blessing to others, a refuge, and a sanctuary, someone who refreshes and gives joy?

Exasperate Who?!

^{Ephesians 6:4}  

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

I guess by the time I read this it was already too late. My grandson is a professional procrastinator. Me, I want things that need to be done, done and out of the way.

I got up knowing he had a school project due Monday that he’d been putting off for weeks. He and his mom picked up what he needed to do the project last night. When I went into his room he was (as he usually is) playing a video game. I told him with absolutely no patience to get off the game, eat his breakfast and get to work on his project.

This was an approach guaranteed to get the opposite of the result I was looking for. He does not like me “nagging”, or butting in to his business. To be totally honest he’d rather I was still in Florida with as many states as possible between us. My presence is a constant irritant to his 12 year old self. So needless to say after breakfast he went right back to playing his game. 

At this point I called in the reserves emailing his mom at work. She called and spoke to him, giving him a specific time to end the game and start the project. I could have done that but just as he knows how to punch my buttons I went out of my way to punch his.

The verse is not just for fathers but everyone who deals with children. If we are going out of our way to exasperate the children in our lives they are not going to be open to the training we want them to hear. He tries my patience simply because he is not like me so instead of taking that into consideration I decide I am the adult, I am the boss, I am the awesome and mighty….well you get the idea.   

He should be more like me but he isn’t and no amount of nagging is going to change that. I know he thinks I should be more like him and no amount of hissy fits on his part is going to make that happen.

We are going to have to learn how to work with each other, different as we are. Sometimes it goes fairly smoothly, sometimes, not so much.

Pride and Submission

I’ve started a bible study written by a friend. One of the questions in day one is “what has God asked you to do that you’ve held back on”? I’m afraid there might be more things, more times than I can remember to list.   
I was raised by a man who had worked hard to escape the shadow of his hard drinking sometimes unfaithful father.  Because of a great deal of hard work my dad was very skilled at his job and with that came pride.  Pride can be tool of motivation but can also be a very big stumbling block. Later in life the man who had worked so hard to not be his father became him. He was able to quit drinking after it almost killed him but his pride had not saved him from falling into alcohol’s grasp and it had kept him from accepting help from the people who loved him most.
I use this to explain the very large dose of pride I started out with. The attitude that I can handle anything and everything myself if I work at it hard enough.  I was too proud to submit, too proud to bow down and too proud to admit that there was a need that I could not fill. I found the whole idea of obedience an affront. I did not promise to “obey” my husband in our wedding vows. It was after all the seventies and women did not pledge obedience to their husbands, the wording was changed politically to “honor”. 

It would take a very long time for the concept of obedience and submission to become anything positive to me. I write that and it seems so very odd that someone who spent their whole life going out of their way to please, to be liked, to “not rock the boat” would not be willing to submit to God, to be obedient. Isn’t pride a wonderful thing?

When I found myself on my own in my fifties I decided it didn’t matter how much money I had or didn’t have I would start tithing. I can’t say I didn’t steal from God a couple of times or borrow from Him a few more but I made the serious attempt to give 10 percent.  Through those years there were times of part time work, well paid full time work and unemployment. Whatever the ups and downs I gave 10 percent.  And the strangest thing happened. I had enough to eat, I had enough to pay my bills. Somehow there was always enough. I wish I could say it was easy and that I never looked at the check and thought of things I could do with that money.
I wish I could say Satan never whispered in my ear “they’re going to use this money for things you don’t even agree with….the pastor lives in a better house than you’ll ever have…how many people is the church paying more than you make”?  When you start doing something right, prepare for the attack. If you aren’t being attacked then you aren’t moving in the direction God wants you to go. I would not have been able to take that giant step of obedience had I still been relying on only myself but I could no longer accept that as truth.
Because of several life events I realized that my life was not in my hands but in God’s. I guess when you’ve been stripped of the façade you’ve been hiding behind there’s not too much to be proud of. Humility can be a painful lesson but a very freeing one. Every day I have left is not something I earned but a gift from God and to Him I will submit.