well crap

I thought since I've had months to contemplate this move that it would be easy. Some how I thought I'd just sail through it without crying...not quite. I am excited about the move. I am thrilled by the chance be with my daughter and grandson but I am leaving a community I've lived in for 20 years and a grandson who has been my life for 11 years. Easy? not quite. He has been my Saturday night date for the last 6 years, coming to my house, spending the night and going to church with me Sunday morning. Why is there always something given up for something gained? The cry and drive is something I excel at so I'll be fine.....

starting over

I had dinner with a couple I've known for over 20 years tonight. We had a wonderful meal. I've helped them with their dogs several times over the years so they gave me a little stuffed puppy to carry in the truck during my travels. I've had a little manatee on my dashboard for years and thought maybe it was time to leave the manatee in Florida and start over with a new "truck pet". Coming home from Tampa I would go past the wooden cross I had put on a fence post years ago...the spot where my sons car went off the road. For years I put silk flowers there four or five times a year. I decided a few years ago that it was time to let it go. Tonight the manatee is nestled in the grass under the cross, at home in Florida where it belongs. I will take my memories, all the good, some of the bad and try to finally leave the grief and the guilt behind, with the manatee, under the cross, in the grass on the side of the road. I've been give a chance to really start over, how foolish it would be to pack up regret and take it along.

I have been looking forward to this move for months. Looking forward with excitement and anticipation and now that it's close I'm terrified. After the divorce I started over, new house, new job, new friends and now I'm going to do it all over again? Julian's neighbor said Julian was going to miss me but it would be OK because he's older now. Why am I not convinced when I've used the same argument with myself? Time to snap out of it and do what has to be done....oil change for the truck, clean out the bathroom cupboards, scrub cabinets and floors....the list seems endless. Having dinner tonight with a couple I've known since the day after I arrived in Florida. They were "our" friends and the only ones I've seen socially since. Awkward sometimes but some friends you keep awkward or not. I feel the same way about my inlaws as I did when they really were my inlaws. We will always be friends. I hope that their friendship isn't motivated by guilt, as if they were somehow responsible for what happened between their son and me. I tell myself if we had met under different circumstances we would have hit it off and been friends anyway.

Good byes

Sometimes life feels like an endless stream of goodbyes, some for a while some longer, some forever. Not something I'm good at or good at accepting graciously. When starting over it's probably better to focus on the new, the future and not on what has been left behind. In all honesty I never fully leave anything or anyone behind. Where ever I go the past is with me. The past and and all those good and bad that made it what it was. Tonight my two grandsons and I went to see a neighbor from the "old" neighborhood. I lived there 15 years before the divorce and moving to a different house in the same community. They were great neighbors and good people. I'll probably never see them again and that saddens me. I promised to keep in touch but it will probably only be once a year at Christmas when I finally get around to writing to everyone I should have written to all year.

http://operationworship.com/Home/SignAFreeBibleOnline/tabid/115/Default.aspx

http://operationworship.com/Home/SignAFreeBibleOnline/tabid/115/Default.aspx

new directions

It's been a long time since I posted anything. A lot has changed. I have emptied my house in preparation of renting it out. The only job I was able to find was a store clerk job, part time. It has kept me afloat while I made preparations to move. My daughter needs a "grandma nanny" for my 10 year old grandson so I'm packing up my pick up and moving to Idaho. It's an adventure...I've never been to Idaho. Ever since my daughter joined the Air Force I confess to falling prey to envy of all the moms who have children "right around the corner". I am looking forward to finally having a day to day relationship with my daughter and her family. As in most decisions there is a downside. I will be leaving behind the grandson who lives here and has been such a big part of my life for the last 11 years. It feels sometimes like I am abandoning him. Hopefully I can skype, IM and email him enough so he won't feel like I no longer care what happens to him. Florida has been my home for over 20 years and I do love it. This modest little double wide has been my sanctuary for the 6 years since my divorce and I know I will miss it and my wonderful friends and my church. No change comes without some regret.

playing in the mud

When I arrived early for small group the kids were playing in the water and mud from this afternoon's downpour. It reminded me of our first day in the place on the side of a hill north of the Catskills. We had the site for the mobile home leveled and carved out of the side of the hill, an embankment above the house, an embankment below. The front steps were not very far from the lower embankment and I was terrified that the kids would fall and just roll until they hit bottom breaking any number of bones on the way. It was spring and the ground was mushy and wet from rain and melting snow and I was inside the trailer unpacking boxes. I heard laughter and screams outside and decided I'd better go see what was up. Both kids were walking back up the embankment covered with clay and a trough was worn where they had been sliding on their butts down the incline. Through the mud over shale out croppings and not a single broken bone. I told them to strip on the steps. There was no way they were coming into the house until they removed their clothes and got hosed off. I never worried again about someone falling down the hill. The clothes right down to the underwear had to be thrown away, there was no way to get the stains from the clay out. It was a small price to pay for a good laugh and some peace of mind.