The Trouble With Steam

Have you ever been cold and stood in front of a kettle of boiling water? The steam from the kettle just seeps into you and warms you face, until you step away then not only are you cold but you’re colder than you were before because the vapor has left moisture on your skin.

I feel like that sometimes when I read a really spirit filled blog or hear a spirit filled sermon. The words seep into my pours and my faith is warmed and sometimes beyond warmed to on fire but what happens when I step back from the source?  I get in the company of those who don’t share my faith and not only is the warm spirit gone but the spirit has left moisture in my soul and without source of heat I’m colder than when I started. Don’t let your faith be a vapor that warms you then disappears leaving you cold, stay close to the source. I don’t mean shun anyone who isn’t a believer that’s not in the instruction book but keep in constant contact with the source, like minded people, God’s word and the Holy spirit. In other words “listen”, “read” and “pray”. Think about how much time you spend reading status updates on Facebook, does scripture, and other Christian writings get equal time? When you’re in the car do you listen to whatever is on the radio or do you make a conscious effort to tune into good, positive music or talk? The hardest part for me is pray. Not that the act of praying is a difficult thing, it isn’t. What is difficult for me is corralling my brain. It keeps wandering off in a million directions and refuses to stay on task. That is when meditation comes in. If you can empty your mind before you pray God has a pathway clear of debris to talk with you. Clearing your mind is like getting the radio dead center on station instead of in between two or three stations plus a good deal of static added in.

Don’t let your faith become an intermittent vapor leaving you cold and damp, stay in the sauna of listening, reading and praying every day. Not only will the source keep your spirit warm but you’ll become a source of warmth for others.

 Deuteronomy 30:14  No, the word is very near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart so you may obey it.

No Safe Place

Back in the days when this picture was taken I actually believed I could keep these two children not only fed and warm but safe. It didn't turn out quite that way but by then they were adults.  I would have never imagined the conversation my daughter had with her son this afternoon. "Do you know what to do if you hear gun fire at school or at the mall?" Padyn replied, "yes mom, we have had drills at school. You get down right away and the teacher locks the door and you crawl where they can't see you from the door" and if they get through the door do you know what to do? "no mom, what do you do?" If you can't get out to run away you fall to the floor and pretend you're dead".
I feel like I'm in an alternative reality where this conversation is necessary. When did this happen, when did killing children become a way to make a point or become payback for some real or imagined slight? I lost a child but it was as a result of his own actions and that was hard enough. I can't imagine the pain of the parents who will be making phone calls to family instead of tucking their children into bed. I'm not sure how to deal with this level of evil. So I do the only thing I know how to do, I pray for the little ones who died, for the adults who died trying to save them and for all the people who go to bed tonight with massive holes in their hearts.

Hearts that Break

“Seasons come and seasons go
Hearts that break will mend and grow
And when the darkness feels darker still
I’ll be with you, Oh I will, Oh I will. “

Daena Jay

I do believe that. I do believe that whatever I’m going through God is there with me. I do believe that I am never alone. That knowledge doesn’t keep me from falling into bouts of depression.  In my head I know it should but what I know has little to do with depression.  It’s like a dark entity invades every part of me. The usually aches and pains of being an older woman become more painful, the losses I have encountered and believe I have coped with suddenly burst into the room, not coped with at all. When my brain is functioning as it should small irritations slide into the back ground unnoticed and of no consequence.  When the invader arrives all of those minor irritations ingest a mega sized dose of steroids and become earth shattering and life altering.  I will blame it today on several days of cloudy weather and rain. I will blame it on my lack of will. I will blame it on my lack of faith. None of that is true there is no one, nothing is to blame. Before you blame me for not taking a magic pill to escape falling into the pit I will tell you I have. I’ve tried several and either they had no effect or made me a walking dead. Unlike some sufferers the invader doesn’t stay with me that long so I’ll pretend to be normal until I am once again. I’ll keep singing  Daena’s song in my head “hearts that break will mend and go”, and in a day or two I will mend and go.

Joyful

Kids know the meaning of joy, joy is smiling with your whole face when you're wearing your sweatshirt instead of your parka and it decides to snow....a lot. What's to be joyful about? I'm not sure. I guess you'd have to ask him because he sure seems to be. What would it be like to wake up every morning joyful, not "with joy" but totally "full of joy". I want to live like that.
Joy has nothing to do with your circumstances and everything to do with your attitude. I know, you're thinking that your circumstances define your attitude but that's only true if you let them. What if you refuse to let the shortfall in your finances, the harsh word of a family member, the stupid driver in your way affect your thankfulness to be alive, your joy. What if you were so full of joy that you were carrying it around it buckets full to the brim, buckets so full that it is continually splashing out. Picture that, joy splashing out on everyone around you, on that ones foot, another ones shirt sleeve, hah, got that ones fancy bag and that ones pants. Splashing out on some who deserve a dose of joy and some who really don't. The joy lands on them whether they are receptive or not. It's like a virus, you infect them and want it or not they've got it, even if only for a moment or two. Joy comes from allowing Got to act within you to accomplish things way beyond your strength or ability.
I don't think an attitude of joy is nearly enough I want to be absolutely, over the brim, spilling out, full of joy, not just when things are going my way but all the time. So if you see me you better look out because otherwise my joy, the joy of the Lord is going to come raining down all over you.

Nehemiah 8:10 Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” 

 

Political Rant?

 

This country has been good to me. I haven't achieved fame or fortune but I have enough to eat, a warm place to sleep and a vehicle that runs. To my thinking that's substantially more than a lot of people have. I am proud that I'm from the US and proud of my country. That doesn't mean that my country, like myself has no faults, has committed no sins but all in all I'd rather live here than anywhere else. That being said, I am sick of the political process. Like a bad divorce where you figure if even a fraction of what the two combatants say about each other is true, neither of them should get custody of the kids. I'm thinking if a fraction of what is being said by both major party candidates is true then neither of them should be president. I did vote because a lot of women went through hell to get me that right but I'm not sure I even like who I voted for. I know I have little confidence that either party can lead this country to a better future. Are we doomed? I don't know, sometimes I feel like we are but there's still that glimmer...I know what we as a people are capable of when we are at our best. Wouldn't it be great if right now, when so many in the northeast are hurting we were all "at our best". They could sure use it and it feels good go above and beyond for someone who really needs it. Maybe we need to limit our president to one term. He'd have no need to worry about who he ticked off by doing the right thing. Maybe that would work for congress too. One term and then out so instead of messing around and not showing up for votes they'd actually be there trying to get something done. Just a side note...I've never been offered a pension for a job that I only held for a few years. I've worked most of my life and in that time only one employer even offered a retirement plan (the employer put in the initial payment, the rest was employee funded). We have men and women who got shot at serving their country who left the military without "retiring" and they don't get a pension. I also pay my own health insurance on a lot less income than a member of congress makes. It's a part time job, it shouldn't include benefits.

Voices In My Head

I know what you're thinking...time for a referral to a good mental health professional...she hears voices. Come on, be honest, you do to. I'll give you some "for instances":
      When I bake a pie it's my mom in my head, "if you don't quit messing with that dough it's going to be tough as card board."
      When I get ready to leave on a road trip it's my dad, "did you check the oil, did you check the tires, do you have flares and tools?"
       When I'm writing, it's a composite of all of my English teachers, "is that a sentence or a paragraph or both?, Seriously, how did you manage to write the whole essay without one spelling error?" I really did do that and without spell check. After a year of constant red marks for spelling, I did the whole final exam with no spelling errors. When asked how I did it I told him the truth. If I wasn't sure how to spell the word I just used another one I was sure of. He just laughed and said "I'm glad you have a good vocabulary."

The point is everything anyone has every told us is in our heads, good and bad and it's up to us to decide which voices we are going to believe and which ones we are going to listen to. There's a good deal of trash talk in my head, more of it came from me than I'd like to admit. You know the dialog..."why are you even trying to do that, you know you can't? Why can't you stop eating stuff you shouldn't, look at you, do you ever look in the mirror and what, pray tell, is up with that hair?"

You can listen to all that trash you've generated or had donated or you can read what God has to say. What does God say you are, what does He say you can do or be? If you're going to listen to voices at least make it one with something worthwhile to say. 

Little Stuff

I get ready for church this morning and I want to wear my new shoes with my sort of long jeans. They have some heel so the jeans don't drag on the ground. Jeans on the ground were "the thing" when I was in college but now it kind of drives me nuts and that totally has nothing to do with the story.
I usually walk or ride my bike to church so Padyn asks me "are you walking today" and I said "no, these heels aren't much good for that distance, I'm going to ride my bike". "You're going to ride bike in heels?" was his response. "I've done it before, it's no big deal" and it really isn't unless the front part of the shoe is really slippery. These didn't seem to be and it wasn't a big deal at all. I got to church, locked up the bike said hi to the guys at the door and when I put my left foot down (on a wet spot) my ankle when over and I skidded into a half split. Luckily I didn't go face first on the floor but was able to pull it back together and walk a bit more carefully the rest of the way across the lobby. So it seems as difficult as it sounds, riding bike in heels is not the problem, the simple task of walking across the floor is the problem.
It's like that with a lot in life. I don't fall for the big traps, it's those little tiny ones that catch me every time. I think it's because I'm not looking for them and they're sneaky. When I think of the 10 commandments it's the big glaring ones, murder, adultery and the like that come to mind not the equally important but some how not as glaring coveting, or bearing false witness. How many times have I seen someone with something I didn't have and wanted it for myself. Nothing wrong with aspirations and goals, something is wrong with being envious and wanting something just because someone else has it. Bearing false witness.....sounds a bit like gossip, passing on or encouraging someone else to pass on something when it may not be true. I'd go one better and say even if it's true if it's hurtful maybe just because you know it doesn't mean it needs to go any further. I'd bet most of us don't have a problem with the big stuff. We see it for what it is and avoid it but the little stuff we don't even see creeping in we know we're on the right path until that pair of heels hits a little wet spot and off we go.

Better Places and Saying Goodbye

I don't like saying goodbye, especially goodbye forever. I don't suppose anyone does. I am envious of anyone who says "he is in heaven and I rejoice for him" and believe it right down to the ground. Before you throw rocks at me because I'm not walking in faith I'll tell you I do believe that, but when someone I love dies it's not what comes to mind first. First I stamp my feet (figuratively) and cry and have a tantrum because I will have to go on without someone I love. It isn't fair! I hate it! Everyone should feel as sorry for me as I do myself and let me tell you I am a champion at feeling sorry for myself, so try to keep up, OK. I have been blessed with some wonderful friends, loving family, supportive co-workers and I do not want any of them leaving me behind. I'm immediately a 5 year old again who has lost track of her mom in the store, abandoned and terrified. Not real mature for someone my age but that's how I feel. After the tantrum and the massive pity party I do understand that death is a part of life and if you are a Christian it's a wonderful part. It's the part where you finally get to see Jesus and God face to face, say nothing of all the ones you love who have died before you. In my head I know all of these things, in my heart, I do not want to let go. In my heart I think if they were going to leave they should have taken me with them. My head needs to have a serious talk with my heart.

Old dog, new tricks

I've had some greeting cards I designed on a storefront of a big online greeting card site for probably three years. They recently changed a lot of their "guidelines" and decided that my cards were not within those guidelines and that they would be "closing" my store. To be honest it wasn't a big deal other than to my pride. I haven't sold tons of cards through them anyway. My only problem was that since I deactivated my own website several years ago, this was my only "online" presence. Because of the small volume of cards I sell it really didn't make sense to pay 4.99+ for a website so I started looking for free web hosting. Finding it was the easy part building it not quite so easy. My first website was designed by a neighbor of mine in Florida. I did the updates but he did all the set up. This one I had to do start to finish. After a lot of steps preparing the pictures to upload and getting a few samples up I was feeling pretty proud of myself. Who says grandma can't do a website. Then I shared it on facebook to find that it was showing up as "RamblinOnGraphics-greeting cars from the road". The worst part was I had no idea where to go on the site to fix the error. After muddling around for a while I did find it and fixed it. Moral of the story is that it's never the big honkin stuff that trips you up it's the itty bitty stuff. All the beautiful pictures and card descriptions were perfect but how professional would any of that look with one letter missing from the link? It's the little things that will do you in every time.

Flying

I really used to enjoy flying and booking tickets was the start of the happy anticipation. Not so much anymore. I'm trying to find a flight I can afford so my grandson can come to visit over his Thanksgiving break. He is 13 so most flights cannot be booked on the internet. Not wanting him to have to have assistance to change planes I found a direct flight into Salt Lake City, a six hour drive from here. His mom can put him on the plane and I will get him off. Sounded like a plan until I found out that in addition to spending more on this direct flight and driving the six hours each way to Salt Lake City the airline will also charge me 100 dollars each way because he is unaccompanied. OK, if this was not a direct flight I would expect to pay for an airline employee to walk him to his connecting flight but that is not the case. Even at that 100 dollars seems like a pretty steep charge. I am paying 100 dollars so that (if they remember) I'll be asked who I am when I meet him at the plane as will his mother at the other end. We did this last year and to be honest I don't remember anyone asking me anything when I picked him up at the airport. There's going to be one very disappointed young man when I am unable to find a flight (with the extra charge) that I can afford and that's what it's looking like right now. Maybe I'm more angry at myself for not having the money to do what I want to do but either way it sucks for him.

Do Not Be Terrified

Joshua 1:9

Have I not commanded you. Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified.  Do not be discouraged.  For the Lord Your God will be with you wherever you go.

God gave me my grandson Julian to remind me of all the lessons I have forgotten. When he was four while I was driving home from vacation bible school his little voice came from the back seat “I don’t have to be afraid of anything”. I asked, “why not”. He said “Because I have Jesus in my heart”. How very simple his faith. When did my faith get all complicated and blurry? I am not strong and courageous but even when I said “this is too hard, I don’t want to be here anymore” God was with me. When I wanted nothing more than for this life to go on without me, even then, when I had given up God did not.  He reminded me that even when I want to quit  I can’t just leave my daughter, my two grandsons, my mom or any of the friends He has put in my path. Julian has shared his bible school lessons and Sunday school lessons with me for several years. It’s all somehow new hearing it in his voice and seeing it through his eyes. I look at the little scrap of paper fastened to my refrigerator door with a  magnet and see the little head bowed over it at my dining room table, writing so carefully with his pencil, “For the Lord Your God will be with you wherever you go.” And I pray someday I will read it and believe it as completely and without question as the boy who wrote it does.