playing in the mud

When I arrived early for small group the kids were playing in the water and mud from this afternoon's downpour. It reminded me of our first day in the place on the side of a hill north of the Catskills. We had the site for the mobile home leveled and carved out of the side of the hill, an embankment above the house, an embankment below. The front steps were not very far from the lower embankment and I was terrified that the kids would fall and just roll until they hit bottom breaking any number of bones on the way. It was spring and the ground was mushy and wet from rain and melting snow and I was inside the trailer unpacking boxes. I heard laughter and screams outside and decided I'd better go see what was up. Both kids were walking back up the embankment covered with clay and a trough was worn where they had been sliding on their butts down the incline. Through the mud over shale out croppings and not a single broken bone. I told them to strip on the steps. There was no way they were coming into the house until they removed their clothes and got hosed off. I never worried again about someone falling down the hill. The clothes right down to the underwear had to be thrown away, there was no way to get the stains from the clay out. It was a small price to pay for a good laugh and some peace of mind.

very logical

Unemployment will take 4-6 weeks to start, if it does and in the mean time I am supposed to be actively pursuing a job. So today I actively pursued a job listed on the state's job board only to be informed I need to fill out one of the employers applications withing two days unless I want to "risk losing" my benefits that I am not getting. OK so I have enough cash in the bank to get me through a week or two and I'm supposed to buy gas to drive 50 miles each way to do an application for a job I will most likely not get to make sure I don't risk benefits I'm not getting....Maybe I'm just looking at this all wrong but it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. The very best part is the fact it took me three days to get through on the Agency For Workforce's phone line to find out it would be 4-6 weeks. I'm thinking they could lower the unemployment rate substantially if they hired enough people to pick up the phone. Friday, Monday, and most of today I got a recording that everyone was "busy helping other customers, call back later...click". When I did finally get through it was to another recording telling me my wait time would be 15 minutes and they were on the money, it was. After all that I spoke with someone who couldn't tell me anything about my claim other than it takes 4-6 weeks.

declining funds

Having very limited funds has yielded a lot more time in my day. There's no point in spending time on the pile of coupons or ads that come bundled in the Sunday paper because unless it's free I can't afford it. There doesn't seem to be much point at looking at things I can't have. Same time savings at the store. I go in get exactly what I came for then I'm out the door. No wandering about looking at things maybe I can use if the price is right....again, unless it's free, don't need it. I plan my excursions to accomplish several chores in the same area rather than use gas to make several trips. Now if I just had a very important use for all these saved minutes, that I'm still working on.

almost a record

So my all time record for shortest period at a job was three weeks but to my credit I was still in training when I quit. I found a job I thought there was a chance I'd like and quit the one I already knew I was going to hate with a passion. Now anything that sounds like call center or telemarketing makes me break out in hives. Oh, yeah, now for the second shortest time of employment and first time being fired...that would be this week. I took a job that paid half of what I was making before because I was on unemployment for the first time and I really wanted to get back to work. I must be completely delusional because I thought I was doing a pretty good job. I know I was sure trying (and they totally got more than their money's worth). There was no "you need to fix this or you'll be fired", no write ups, just please sign this and go. If it wasn't so sad it would be hysterically funny, oh hell, it's funny anyway. I don't suppose the fact that I would have been there 90 days the next day had anything to do with it. Perhaps superwoman is looking for a low paying job with crap benefits not that she'd be quite what they're looking for either.

feeling crappy

I picked up a nasty cold virus somewhere. I'd be more than willing to give it back if I knew who gave it to me. Got home from work last night and went directly to bed. For me to miss a meal you know it has to be something serious. Time to trudge through the day, cold or no. No work, no pay and that just won't work for me.

Speed bumps

One of my friends has a son in law in the Navy. They have been stationed a short three hour drive away but will be going to Hawaii. I do feel her heart break. I remember when my Air Force Daughter moved from the Florida panhandle (a 7 hour drive) to Oklahoma. I was quite sad that I could no longer jump in the car and see her over a weekend but I felt blessed to have had her in Florida for six years after three years in Italy. Oklahoma, while not paradise was not Iraq or Afghanistan. Now she'll be in Idaho, even farther away but again not Iraq or Afghanistan. I am horribly envious of my friends whose children and grandchildren live around the corner but I have gone places I would have never gone had I not had family there. I look forward to her retirement back in Florida. I also believe one should not wish their life away so much as I do look forward to the time when we'll be closer together I hope I make the most of all the time before that also.

Would you stop to listen?

One of my girlfriends sent me an email about a street musician playing the violin and what the response was of the passers by. The end result was that very few paused to hear him play. It was a social experiment. The violin was one of the most expensive in the world being played by one of the best violinists in the world and he was playing a very famous very beautiful piece of music. Music people paid very well to hear in a symphony hall. So would you stop to listen? Not only would you stop to listen, would you stop to see...what if the man on the corner speaking wasn't some "lunatic" but Jesus, would any of us pause long enough to hear the words and know they were worth slowing our steps for? We are in a constant state of hurry when in truth we have no idea we are hurrying to or what we have hurried right by.

sore feet

My job is helping me with my exercise and weight loss program. I most of the day walking the halls, getting residents for activities and the rest walking from one end of Walmart Super Center to the other (and back) getting the ones that went shopping back to the van to go back home. I eat whatever the kitchen prepared for lunch then Special K for supper when I get home. So far it's working. Too bad my feet aren't appreciating all the walking. New sneakers helped but unfortunately not enough, maybe I can get a feet transplant (just kidding, surgery of any kind would not be my idea of fun).

back in the swing of things?

After being out of work for four months getting back into a work day routine has been a little interesting this week. I'm working different hours than I'm used to and spending more time on my feet and walking than my last job. I like it but adjusting to changes is always difficult. Invested in a new pair of Vans and ended up doing surgery on the tongues. They had like 3/4 thick foam in the tongue, man, I couldn't get my feet by it without practically taking the laces out. By the time I got them off last night the tops of my feet hurt. I made an incision about a half inch from the perimeter on the underside and extracted the foam. I should have just sliced it to half as thick and put it back but I had it kind of demolished before I thought of that. What the heck they're more comfortable now.

what now

I started a new job yesterday. I feel a little unbalanced with the change in routine. It's always a little unsettling learning a new job and all the new personalities involved. Four months is a long time to be searching for work, although I know a lot of people who have been looking a lot longer. I'm not sure how it's all going to work out with the change in "living standard" but it will, it always does.

Talent Show

I went to a talent show at the local high school last night since I know a few of the kids taking part. For the most part it was fabulous but I am turning into a cranky old lady and the lack of respect and common courtesy around me gets to me sometimes. I was brought up to never interrupt a performance. If it was necessary to get up before intermission you at least waited for the end of a song or break in the action. People were talking and walking in and out throughout the evening. The kids were acting and singing their hearts out and they deserved better. Then the MC's used flags as part of their "routine". They did a great job only one exception....the flags. I guess the way to treat a flag isn't taught in school anymore so it's probably understandable but never does the flag touch the ground or floor. It wouldn't bother me so much but I still remember taking the flag down at night and no matter how windy it was gathering it up so none of it fell out of my arms onto the ground. People are dying for the country that flag represents, show it and them some respect please.

Yard Sale

My sofa and several other surfaces have disappeared. All this "stuff" (to put it nicely) is going out for a yard sale this weekend. It should be interesting since I only have one medium sized borrowed table to put it all out on. Anything that doesn't get sold is going to the thrift store down the road. Once it's out I am not going to haul it back in. Funniest part is I wasn't sure I had enough to bother with....ah, wrong, so very wrong. How do we end up with so much stuff we don't need.

slip ups

Last time I got groceries I bought butter pecan because mom and I both love it and it had been forever since I had any. That should have rung a bell in my head but sometimes the fog is a little think up there. I had just opened it before mom left so I offered Julian and his friend Nicholas some dessert last night. As soon as I said it I knew I was in trouble because the Ice Cream was all I had and Julian hates nuts, turns out Nick wasn't real fond of them either. They said "can't you just give us the ice cream that doesn't have any in it". With some kinds I've bought that wouldn't have been a big deal but as I was trying to pick out all the pecans I found out that this was the "good kind" with tons of nuts, big and small. I'm thinking "this is just crazy, mom would have told them to eat it the way it is or don't eat it, no problem". Just to make sure my oversight wasn't an isolated case, this morning in church I hit the wrong button on the computer and messed up the slides and messed it more trying to correct it, right in the middle of a song. Good thing it's dark in there so if anyone was going to throw anything they'd need night vision goggles. I don't really aspire to perfection but I sure would like not to be such a screw up sometimes.

Stewart Little

My grandson and his friend have been keeping me from missing my mom tonight. She left this morning. I am however missing my sanity, it left somewhere between the horde of kids at the pool and the manic hide and seek session here in every room of the house. They were convinced that it was time to settle down and watch a movie. They are actually sitting still and being quiet thanks to Stewart Little.

Another see you later

Mom flies home Saturday. I know I get on her nerves and vice versa sometimes but overall I do enjoy having her here. Doing things with her and the little extra time it takes to do two people's laundry, dishes etc. has kept me from being too much at loose ends. When she goes the fact I have no job to go to daily will come crashing down. I will spend more time volunteering than I have been and concentrate more heavily on applications and interviews. I hope that I have gotten her out and about more than she would have done on her own. I know I've done things I wouldn't have done without someone to do them with. Still trying very hard to find the path I'm meant to take. Sometimes I think God expects me to follow his lead when we're dancing but I don't dance very well. It would be easier for me if he'd just give me a real good shove in the right direction, something so very obvious even I can't mistake it.

Odd jobs

First it was fill in babysitter, then tree transplanter, now it's painter. What some people won't do for a buck. I really hate painting but it is something I know how to do and friends of mine need the inside of the house they are moving into painted before they move in. My body needs the workout and my brain could use one too. I took a typing test the other day and after the computer glitched on the first one I bombed the second one. I will have to go back to "Career Central" eventually and do it again if for no other reason to prove to them that I wasn't lying when I said I could type twice as fast as the test showed.

Raids on Christian Militia

I'm not sure but what "Christian Militia" is an oxymoron....They somehow don't seem to belong in the same phrase. All that aside they've been charged with conspiracy. The report says they were arming themselves for war against the armies of the anti christ. OK so if they believe in all that shouldn't they believe that they'll already be gone in the rapture without ever needing the guns? All that aside is it illegal to arm yourself against the anti christ? I suppose if you feel he's already here and a US citizen it would be against the law. Unfortunately it makes anyone who wears the Christian name tag look like a part of the lunatic fringe. Not that I might not feel right at home with some of the lunatics but overall probably not an image the Christian faith would care to embrace.

should'a checked the calendar

I love volunteering at church but I got just a little carried away this morning. I told my grandson I'd sit with him in his kids church while he ran the "media" during the first service, I was scheduled to run media in adult church for the second service and in the baby nursery for the third service. It was a little tight but more fun that just showing up and weighing down a chair. One of the toddlers in the nursery fell asleep on my lap, probably no big deal when you live with one. When you're a grandma that doesn't happen too often so it's pretty special. When someone mentioned that I must attract the little ones I told them it's not magic, basically I have a very nicely padded lap (to go with the rest of my well padded self). Tell me, would you rather cuddle up on an overstuffed lazy boy or a hard old Adirondack chair... well I thought so.

Goodby Trolley

Already Gone

For four years there have been "Trolley Tours" in Dade City and I've often thought it would be fun. I have some cards at Henry C's Deli and Ice Cream where the Trolley starts so I made reservations for myself and my mom to go this afternoon. I thought today was the last day of the season but found out we were on the LAST tour unless a buyer is found. Dade City is such a cool "old Florida Town" and the tour was great. Some government agency spent thousands of dollars on wooden walkways that I've never seen anyone use but something that would be of great value to school kids and the local tourism industry is allowed to die. I don't understand what sense that makes

Trac Fone

Mom bought a new cell phone the other day. I called Trac Fone and had her number and minutes transferred and showed her where everything was on it. That night I was at a baby shower and got a call from her that her phone was making a beeping noise and wouldn't shut off. I could her it in the back ground. It sounded like an alarm (which the phone was equipped with) so I told her put it where she wouldn't hear it and I'd check it when I got home. The alarm wasn't set, the stop watch wasn't activated, there weren't any messages so I was at a loss as to where the beeping was coming from. We finally took the phone to Kmart to see if the lady in cell phones could exorcise whatever demon was possessing the cell phone. She couldn't find anything either. It continued to go off at 6am and 6pm but never when I was close enough to hear it. Finally last night the phantom sound at 6pm. I looked up at the clock that sits on the entertainment center, walked over and turned the alarm off, presto no more beep, beep, beep. I had knocked the clock off when unplugging some wires on the surround sound and didn't realize the alarm knob popped up. Life if tough when you overlook the obvious.

Lucado vs Koontz

I've been beating myself up for being a bad Christian. I can sit down and read an entire Dean Koontz book in an afternoon and evening but can only do a chapter at a time of any of my Christian books. After thinking about it a while I think maybe it's not that I don't find Lucado or his like interesting or entertaining. I think maybe I find it too important to just rip through. By reading a chapter then putting it down I have time to absorb and consider what I've read. Koontz is just for fun and if I miss and inflection or don't completely mine the meaning what difference does it really make? I guess that's why I've always had a hard time reading more than little snatches of the Bible at a time. I might miss something I really need to know if I try to do too much too quickly. The above could be a total rationalization for what it basically a major character flaw but I hope not.

Obsessing

If you stop and think about it there is no certainty in Life. We have no promise that we'll be here tomorrow or even a minute from now. Being a control freak I have the false assumption that I not only can control some things but should be able to control all things. That might explain why I'm a little off center. So I make myself crazy because being unemployed I can't plot out what I'll be doing next month or even next week. Sooner or later it comes down to not planning and not knowing and being OK with that. If I can get to where I am able to set some hazy long term goals without the complete power point presentation of the outline of how I am going to get there, I think I'll be fine. Well as fine as I can be.

I'm late

I think I've lost my mind. I was supposed to be meeting Connie in Trilby for our once a month hymn sing and totally forgot. Luckily she called me before she got there not so luckily I was a mile away from home on my bicycle. By pedaling really fast, changing faster and driving even faster I arrived in Trilby a half hour late. It was fun as always and I'm sure they were glad I didn't skip the wardrobe change. Me leading singing in spandex....not a pretty sight. Actually me in spandex period...not pretty. Well at least the fact I can't remember crap is making my mom feel better about her lapses in memory.

Bonsai Azalea

One of my friends gave me a small azalea bush after I bought my house. I had planted several over the years at my previous house and every single one of them died. I was told they loved the acidity of the soil around oak trees so that's where I planted them. Something I did was the kiss of death so I didn't have very high hopes for my newest victim. I took it out of it's little pot and planted it at the back corner where hopefully the Florida sun wouldn't give it heat stroke and watered it. A couple of years ago after a hard frost I thought it had died but to my surprise a tiny little bush came up from the roots. I've lived here five years and that little bush has survived pretty much without adding an inch to it's dimensions. It would be sad if not for the bravery it has shown. You'd think just surviving would be enough but each year without fail my little bonsai azalea blesses me with one to five blooms, each one a normal size, looking gigantic in comparison to the bush. What a lesson it's given me stunted as I might be from whatever adversity I may have encountered I have no excuse for not blooming just a big and bold as the next guy.

Spring

Finally I can cut back all the plants that died in the freezing temps. Managed to get the smallest of the flower beds done this morning. Cutting all the dead away looking forward to the new shoots coming up. So indicative of the season, a time of renewal, it always gives me joy and hope. Unfortunately the uplifting of my spirit doesn't translate to my back which isn't so happy with my efforts.

Missing You

My daughter and younger grandson were here for a few days. This is the first time they've visited in a long time when I didn't have to be at work all day. We had a blast but it went by way to quickly. It's like losing a piece of my heart every time I watch them go back through the doors at the airport. So much of our lives go on apart a few days here and there really don't make up for it. The contrast between the life I have with the grandson that's here and the one that isn't only makes it harder. I can never recapture what has already passed and never make up for the time we won't have together. I will never stop trying and hope the attempt is enough to make certain a little part of his heart belongs only to me.

Manic Depressant

Today has been a roller coaster day. I had lunch with three ladies I used to work with and it was nice, really nice. The fact that they are all still very much employed and I am not doesn’t seem to make it at all weird, although it very well could. I talked with Kristin about what I should buy for groceries for her visit and what I planned to do while her and Padyn are here and I was positively dancing down the grocery aisles to the stupid canned music. It felt so good to be getting ready for their visit. I should have gone to bed on that high note, instead my mom was asking me about “final plans” hers and mine and at the time it didn’t bother me but after she went to bed my eyes wandered up to the picture of both of my kids hand prints Kristin was three and Jordan was two. There it is real as life and he’s gone and after ten years I am still not “over it”. I know I never will be but how can I in the space of a few hours go from the highest to the lowest when nothing has changed. Kristin and Padyn are still coming for a week and Jordan is still gone. It is what it is and has not in any way changed. My circumstances are forever the same and I am forever dealing with them from either one end of the spectrum or the other, never from the middle. I suppose it’s because I will always want to be two places at the same time, here with my daughter and two grandsons and in heaven with my son. There is no middle ground.

Decisions

There is no answer yet on the appeal hearing for unemployment. I was really hoping it wouldn't go down to the wire. I have enough savings to pay my bills for exactly four more weeks. Serious decisions need to be made, like am I going to sell my house and go live with a family member or keep the house and sell my only vehicle. Of course selling the vehicle only buys me a little more time and completely messes up any chance of getting work since I'd have no way to get there. If I sell my house that means moving half way across the country and starting over where I have no contacts and no friends. I hate not knowing where I'm going or what I'm doing. I have faith that it will all work out I just wish I knew how now.

what is and is not a necessity

Have been a frequent visitor at the local Library lately since I had no internet access at the house. Most would argue that having internet is an option. When trying to find a job, I'm not so sure. Using the excuse that I'll soon have visitors who expect internet access, I've had it re-installed. If I sat down and calculated the amount of gas I used driving back and forth to the library I might be able to justify the expense, but probably not since it is withing bicycle range. Of course I really don't have enough life insurance to be riding a bicycle anywhere in this area. It's open season on pedestrians and bicyclists all year round here. The job search continues but mostly without enthusiasm. I have gone ahead and used my free southwest flight to plan a week at my daughter's for her graduation with the expectation that I wouldn't be doing anything thing else anyway....probably the perfect time to land a job. We'll see.....

stupid cold virus

Mom has been sick for a week and like I always do I thought I'd escape being infected. Not likely. Since it's just starting and I know I'm going to feel a whole lot worse in the days to come, I ran to the store to stock up on soup and easy stuff. Dead or dying I'm still the chief cook around here. Hopefully I will be back to 100% before my daughter and grandson arrive for a weeks visit. Mom has been down with the bug for over a week with not much improvement so I'm not real optimistic. Life goes on with or without me so I'll just keep trudging along.

Very Small People

Today was my first time volunteering with in the Nursery at church. The only exposure I've had to those little tiny people recently is with my newest grandson Collin. He's just one little guy and a pretty easy going one at that. I showed up early to get filled in on what I was to do and how. There were sixteen toddlers tearing around with their name tag stickers on their backs (so they couldn't tear them off) and one standing at the door crying. Luckily they were all there for the second service and I was working the third. The crying one turned out to be there early for the third service, wow my lucky day. He did finally stop crying and decided he really liked being hugged and pegging a ball at me. We were getting along pretty well by the time he left. It was a little daunting but a lot of fun. So now I get to play and have fun for an hour or so and then they all go home, can't beat it!

Dock Work

Today didn't have many new jobs on the states job board. The only one close by that pays decently was for a dock worker at a welding supply company. Having moved some of those tanks around I know what they weigh. With a serious weight lifting program and maybe a few steroids I'm thinking I could do it. Mom said she wasn't sure I had the language for the job and I assured her that although I don't use it I am proficient. Most likely even with the weightlifting etc. they might be hesitant to hire a 56 year old grandma. Such is life in Florida today.

Changing names

We were talking about changing or not changing your last name after a divorce (of course this usually applies only to women) and a couple of the ladies said they couldn't wait to shed the name that went along with the husband. I said I figured after 28 years I earned the name and wasn't about to give it back. That really wasn't the reason but it did get a laugh. The real reason was it's my grandson's last name and not his mom's. It didn't seem right to make him get used to any more changes than were necessary so I kept it. I'd had my married name longer than my maiden name so it just seem natural. The shorter version is still funnier.

MS Vista

I really believe Microsoft owes everyone who was unfortunate enough to purchase a computer with a Vista operating system a free upgrade to windows 7. They released an inferior product that was by design incompatible with a very large amount of existing software and hardware. Personally I don't feel like I should have to pay for a product to fix their problems. I'm getting a little tired of paying for the privilege of beta testing their products. Somehow I think if I'm paying for a product it should already be tested and the bugs worked out.

Luge Fatality

I don't believe I'm the only one horrified by the constant airing of the video of the fatal luge accident. Not only was it shown too numerous times to count but they made sure it was shown slowed to the point that we could see the moment of impact. Have we become the latter stages of the Roman Empire when the only thing that appeases the mob is the spectacle of death? Can you imagine friends and family with the picture of their loved one's face, bloody as the emergency responder tries to revive him, burned in their minds? My imagination has painted a pretty good picture of my sons last moments, thank God there isn't an actual video to go along with that.

Job Hunting

As I said earlier I am unemployed but unlike the ones who were cut back, terminated, let go or as the Donald would say FIRED, I quit. Now I'm thinking it might have been more entertaining to have a nervous breakdown right there. One bad enough to call for guys with restraints and the police being called. I never think of the various fun alternatives until after the fact. Fact is I left fairly quietly. Anyway when I tell people I'm unemployed I feel bad accepting their sympathy because I didn't get fired. Now I spend my time putting in applications and emailing resumes to people who aren't going to look at them because cousin Dinky is going to get the job. I really picked the wrong family or I could be cousin Dinky...again poor planning on my part. Since I had the time and the paint was already purchased I've been painting the interior of my house. I was thinking it might be fun to paper one wall with all the "we received many applications from well qualified applicants such as yourself but...." letters. Just once I'd love to get an email that says upon completion of the interview process we have decided that not only do we not like you one iota but we feel that your mother dresses you funny. Please do not ever apply here again. Now that would be original!

Valentines Day

Valentines Day is so exciting for all the cast offs like myself. Not that I'm alone out of necessity, I just haven't felt like jumping back into the fire. Being surrounded by love from family and friends it's not like there is no love in my life it's just all the commercials, fliers and romantic crap in the stores is constantly in my face. There might as well be a billboard saying that anyone who doesn't have a romantic relationship is the ultimate loser. It's really a perfect addition to my fruitless search for employment.....another story for another time.

sleepless nights

My mom stays with me in the winter...I know, how lame is that living with your mom at 56 but that's another story for another time. She likes to party in her sleep. It wouldn't be so bad but as she's laughing and chatting with who knows who in her sleep she won't speak clearly. It would be kind of fun if I could understand anything she says...maybe through in a prying question now and then. How much fun would it be to interrogate your mom without her every knowing. If I recorded it maybe if I slowed it down or played it backward.....